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The Diaries Of an Emotional



Today is one of those days where feelings are uncertain, they are not good, and they are not bad. It’s what I like to call the quiet before the storm. What the storm will bring me, I cannot know yet. It could be one of those lows where you feel your whole life is ending within days or it could be one of those highs where you are feeling like the world is waiting for you to become president.

Whatever the storm will be, I will be here. Today, for some reason my mind went to Beirut. I started telling a story to a friend who asked me why I live in Beirut, and I started answering him in my mind.

I recently realized that I do not know what I will say until I say it, sometimes I surprise myself. This is my 23/43 from genius to freak connecting my Ajna to my throat. The funny thing is that it’s mostly unconscious so both me and my audience hear the things I say for the very first time just when I say them.

The funny thing is the certainty that my Ajna projects. Sometimes it surprises even me.

Could I really be that certain or is it another illusion from the defined Ajna.

A lot of the things that come out of my mouth are very refined. Usually in a way, they relate 100% to my audience. Sometimes I feel like I am cheating, I feel like I kind of knew exactly what they needed or wanted me to say, and then I said it. And here you are, the genius!

I have however many times experienced the freak. Mainly with my people in Greece. I remember so many things I said years ago that looking back they sounded so wrong, but here we are experiencing it. Is it such a not self to be certain in your Ajna, or is it exactly what the Ajna is all about?

Well, going back to my today’s thoughts, it was about Beirut... Why I am still here?

Well, I answered quite simply, why not? Just because Beirut is in total catastrophe, unable to provide us with the basic life needs such as water and electricity, does it mean that it is a horrible place to live in?

I do not know. I cannot answer that, all I know is that for me, Beirut gave me the most life changing experience ever. I learned so much about myself and about others in this city. I learned the definition of: things do not remain the same. I have gone through so many phases in my life in this city. So many people have urged me to leave. And I tried. I left, but then I kept coming back.

I may say, professionally it has helped me grow more than any other country. People in Lebanon are non-linear, they function in their own way in all aspects of life.

The suffering and uncertainly has given this country the ability to live day by day. I guess for an emotional being, this is beautiful. I hate planning. I hate having to set an appointment so we can meet up in two weeks on a weekend, by the sea. This is how it works in most of the world. Well, at least until corona came along. People all over the world learned something the Lebanese were born with.

They learned the Art of last minute. If we feel like going, we go and if we don’t, no hard feelings. How beautiful is this? In a world that keeps you prisoner of your plans. In a world that teaches you to constantly disobey your authority, Beirut teaches you to listen to it.

Another lesson I learned in Beirut is that misery needs company. I am obsessed with evolution, so much that I named my project “Evolution”, but that’s me. If I was not, I would have fallen into the company of the misery. What does this mean? Trying for yourself is not easy, it takes a lot of patience and courage. Pushing yourself to get out of the bad habits and get going with your life is not easy. It’s definitely not quick. What does this mean? That the easiest way is to continue on the downhill road, taking with you as much as possible. Sure, the country went through lots and lots of suffering, but it is us in the “lucky” class that take the downhill road of misery. Young men, that know that they have no problem surviving, start to drink alcohol in the middle of the day, their excuse being the bad situation of the country. And with that excuse, they can convince another 10 people to join and get drunk with them. Because if they remained drunk alone, their argument would not be valid enough. Why are you going downhill when there are so many people pushing uphill?

I was lucky, I got out of this bubble. it took me a long time, and maybe again Beirut helped me with it. Within the people I meet, I recognize some greatness, but I also recognize some extreme vanity. I am not judgmental, I am an observer, my right arrow hates moving but loves observing. And in Beirut there is a lot of things to observe.

Another thing I learned in Lebanon is to give. Have the courage to give to those in need and Allah will give back to you 10 times. I give, I give more than I should, not just because I expect Allah to give me back, because my act of giving is appreciated so much that it gives me an internal satisfaction. My motivation is innocence, so i am very motivated by the ability to have a lot of money in order to be able to give. And it happens. It comes to me and then I give it. It’s hard to see so much suffering so nearby in countries like Sweden and Denmark. But in Lebanon its very close.

My heart is at peace when I hear the Mosque’s prayers in the afternoon, and my mind dreams beautiful dreams when I hear it in the early dawn.

What can I say about this country, I have a love affair that I cannot explain. Sometimes I wonder if it’s my open spleen, unable to leave ‘’toxic’’ situations, but then something extraordinary happens while I am in Lebanon and I know this is where I am supposed to be.

I know these are supposed to be the diaries of an emotional but if anyone reading this is emotional with a defined throat like me, you know that what we feel and what we say are entirely depending on the moment. Everything we go through in our lives have the filter of the waves.

I have struggled so much with this, the inability to decide if I like something or not because there is this constant filter. Even regarding where I live. I am always pondering. Am I doing the right thing? Should I be living here? What if everyone else is right and I am wrong?

The only thing that keeps me sane is my line 3 trial and error. I try when in doubt and then I can take a faster decision.

Recently there was a very serious decision that for years I was not being able to take. Lots of my teachers would tell me, when you know, you will know. I was furious. It has been in my mind for 5 to 7 years. Then just like that, in a morning where I was having my coffee (that I later quitted) I knew. The answer went from maybe, to a very clear YES.

I love my clarity when it comes, it is like this beautiful your friend gets you out of the blue and it turns out it is exactly what you needed. The issue with our clarity is that we cannot push it. I wish there was this magic button that you press and suddenly you have clarity. But this would take half of the charm of the “out of the blue” kind of feeling.

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